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Friday, September 07, 2007

No transcript yet on Bin Laden's latest. But I did interview Bin Laden back in 2004 when he came to upstate New York to campaign for local Democrats. Here's the transcript from that interview. Please note, that I have not altered Bin laden's words in any way... well, except the part where he suggests that Michael Cera make a coming of age movie and refers to himself as "McLovin." I'm just paraphrasing there.

OBL: You, the American people, I talk to you today about the best way to avoid another catastrophe and about war, its reasons and its consequences. And in that regard, I say to you that security is an important pillar of human life, and that free people do not compromise their security.

TJ: Wait, that sounds familiar. Are you quoting Benjamin Franklin? Do you have the History Channel?

OBL: Contrary to what [President George W.] Bush says and claims -- that we hate freedom --let him tell us then, "Why did we not attack Sweden?"

TJ: I ask that question all the time. I've always enjoyed the Swedish Bikini Team, and that's reason enough for me.

OBL: It is known that those who hate freedom don't have souls with integrity, like the souls of those 19. May the mercy of God be upon them.

TJ: C'mon, Obie. Surely you know that the WTC was brought down by the CIA and the Israeli intelligence services. [Ed. He should turn off the History Channel and check out The View.

OBL: We fought with you because we are free, and we don't put up with transgressions. We want to reclaim our nation. As you spoil our security, we will do so to you.

TJ: I'm not sure what to say.

OBL: I wonder about you.

TJ: Stop, it you make me blush! Ok, sometimes I think about you too.

OBL: Although we are ushering the fourth year after 9/11, Bush is still exercising confusion and misleading you and not telling you the true reason. Therefore, the motivations are still there for what happened to be repeated.

TJ: Sure, we can go over that again and again, but don't you think that letting your beard go gray is hurting you with the ladies. Seriously, I think you should consider Just for Men, or perhaps, even a fake beard like the one that Woody Allen wore in Bananas. I think those are sexy.

OBL: I will talk to you about the reason for those events, and I will be honest with you about the moments the decision was made so that you can ponder.

TJ: Good, because you would look really good with a darker beard. It would really bring out your eyes.

OBL: And I tell you, God only knows, that we never had the intentions to destroy the towers. But after the injustice was so much and we saw transgressions and the coalition between Americans and the Israelis against our people in Palestine and Lebanon, it occurred to my mind that we deal with the towers. And these special events that directly and personally affected me go back to 1982 and what happened when America gave permission for Israel to invade Lebanon. And assistance was given by the American sixth fleet.

During those crucial moments, my mind was thinking about many things that are hard to describe. But they produced a feeling to refuse and reject injustice, and I had determination to punish the transgressors.

TJ: By "transgressors" you mean secretaries, bond traders and the wait staff at Windows of the World, right?

OBL: And as I was looking at those towers that were destroyed in Lebanon, it occurred to me that we have to punish the transgressor with the same -- and that we had to destroy the towers in America so that they taste what we tasted, and they stop killing our women and children.

We found no difficulties in dealing with the Bush administration, because of the similarities of that administration and the regimes in our countries, half of which are run by the military and half of which are run by monarchs. And our experience is vast with them.

And those two kinds are full of arrogance and taking money illegally.

TJ: I totally agree. That's why I'm so glad that Bush signed McCain Feingold style campaign finance reform. Finally, we are really going to clean up the system!

OBL: The resemblance started when [former President George H.W.] Bush, the father, visited the area, when some of our own were impressed by America and were hoping that the visits would affect and influence our countries.

Then, what happened was that he was impressed by the monarchies and the military regimes, and he was jealous of them staying in power for tens of years, embezzling the public money without any accountability. And he moved the tyranny and suppression of freedom to his own country, and they called it the Patriot Act, under the disguise of fighting terrorism. And Bush, the father, found it good to install his children as governors and leaders.

TJ: You know, I think you would really enjoy reading Molly Ivins. Send me your address, and I'll fedex you a copy.

OBL: We agreed with the leader of the group, Mohammed Atta, to perform all attacks within 20 minutes before [President George W.] Bush and his administration were aware of what was going on. And we never knew that the commander-in-chief of the American armed forces would leave 50,000 of his people in the two towers to face those events by themselves when they were in the most urgent need of their leader.

TJ: Are you suggesting that Bush and his administration was "unaware" of the attacks? [Ed. Note: Keep in mind this is 2004. Bin Laden doesn't realize Bush's role in the attacks. In that regard, he is not as smart as nearly half of rank and file Democrats otherwise].

OBL: He was more interested in listening to the child's story about the goat rather than worry about what was happening to the towers. So, we had three times the time necessary to accomplish the events.

TJ: Yeah, I loved that part of Fahrenheit 9/11 too! If only Moore had the guts to take on the health care system, we'd finally get the sort of Cuban-style health care system that is the envy of all the world.

OBL: Your security is not in the hands of [Democratic presidential nominee John] Kerry...

TJ: From your lips to God's ears!

OBL: ...or Bush or al Qaeda. Your security is in your own hands. Any nation that does not attack us will not be attacked.

TJ: That goes double for film-makers right? I don't want to miss out on any future Michael Moore movies if your crew gets all Theo Van Gogh with him.

OBL: To truly honor the prophet, what we really need is a really-good coming of age movie. I've written a short screenplay which I think is really good. I've even written a great part for Michael Cera, who is not even famous yet for some reason.

TJ: Don't you think you should be keeping a low profile? Perhaps you should use a pen name?

OBL: How about "McLovin?"


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