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Saturday, September 08, 2007
My 2007 Interview with Bin Laden

It has been three years, but I finally scored my second bin Laden interview. Transcript appears below. Again, all Bin Laden's words are verbatim, with exception of his "two thumbs up!" praise for Superbad.

TJ: Welcome back to the program, Osama. Thanks for joining us today.

OBL: All praise is due to Allah, who built the heavens and earth in justice, and created man as a favor and grace from Him. And from His ways is that the days rotate between the people, and from His Law is retaliation in kind: an eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth and the killer is killed. And all praise is due to Allah, who awakened His slaves' desire for the Garden, and all of them will enter it except those who refuse. And whoever obeys Him alone in all of his affairs will enter the Garden, and whoever disobeys Him will have refused.

TJ: Yeah, like I said: thanks for coming on the program. So, it has been six years since September 11th and people are wondering: what's next for Osama bin Laden? The next issue of People magazine hints that you are next in line to replace Larry King -- is that true?

OBL: As for what comes after: Peace be upon he who follows the Guidance. People of America: I shall be speaking to you on important topics which concern you, so lend me your ears.

TJ: So it will be more of a public affairs show, then?

OBL: I begin by discussing the war which is between us and some of its repercussions for us and you.

TJ: I can't wait to see you go up against Charlie Rose head-to-head on weekday evenings. That will be interesting, for sure.

OBL: To preface, I say: despite America being the greatest economic power and possessing the most powerful and up-to-date military arsenal as well; and despite it spending on this war and is army more than the entire world spends on its armies; and despite it being the being the major state influencing the policies of the world, as if it has a monopoly on the unjust right of veto...

TJ: That's all well and good, but will your show cover really important topics, like the fact that Larry Craig calls his private parts his "compass" and now claims he was merely seeking the "north star" in public bathrooms?

OBL: 19 young men were able - by the grace of Allah, the Most High- to change the direction of its compass.

TJ: 19 young men! That's a breaking story if I ever heard one. If you can get even 2 or three to come forward, you will probably earn higher ratings than Jay Leno.

OBL: in fact, the subject of the Mujahideen has become an inseparable part of the speech of your leader, and the effects and signs of that are not hidden. Since the 11th, many of America's policies have come under the influence of the Mujahideen, and...

TJ: I don't mean to cut you off, but the new look is fantastic. Like I said, very sexy.

OBL: that is by the grace of Allah, the Most High.

TJ: The only problem is the beard, Obie. I love the color, but it doesn't sit correctly on your face.

OBL: And as a result, the people discovered the truth about it, its reputation worsened, its prestige was broken globally and...

TJ: I won't go on and on about it, but it certainly looks like you are ready to start working again. How tough did things get after 9/11 for you, in terms of your career?

OBL: it was bled dry economically, even if our interests overlap with the interests of the major corporations and also with those of the neoconservatives, despite the differing intentions."

TJ: If you and the neocons have a lot of overlapping interests, why all the bad feelings? Do you blame the media for the split between you and Don Rumsfeld?

OBL: And for your information media, during the first years of the war, lost its credibility and manifested itself as a tool of the colonialist empires, and its condition has often been worse than the condition of the media of the dictatorial regimes which march in the caravan of the single leader."

"Then Bush talks about his working with al-Maliki and his government to spread freedom in Iraq but he in fact is working with the leaders of one sect against another sect, in the belief that this will quickly decide the war in his favor."

"And thus, what is called the civil war came into being and matters worsened at his hands before getting out of his control and him becoming like the one who plows and sows the sea: he harvests nothing but failure."

TJ: I think that would look great on a Starbucks' cup. Can I use it?

OBL: "So these are some of the results of the freedom about whose spreading he is talking to you. And then the backtracking of Bush on his insistence on not giving the United Nations expanded jurisdiction in Iraq is an implicit admission of his loss and defeat there. "

"And among the most important items contained in Bush’s speeches since the events of the 11th is that the Americans have no option but to continue the war.

TJ: Ok, I'm going to do an impression: "I love Lamp."

OBL: This tone is in fact an echoing of the words of neoconservatives like Cheney, Rumsfeld and Richard Pearle, the latter having said previously that the Americans have no choice in front of them other than to continue the war or face a holocaust."

TJ: Actually, I was impersonating Steve Carrell in that scene from Anchorman. But I guess he sounds a little like Pearle.

OBL: I say, refuting this unjust statement..

TJ: Seriously, that was Carrell. See how I'm talking all stiff like he did in the movie. Ok, I have another one. "That is the sound of a thousand terrible things headed this way."

Give up? It was Liam Neeson, from Phantom menace. C'mon You know who he is...the guy from Schindler's list.

OBL: The morality and culture of the holocaust is your culture, not our culture. In fact, burning living beings is forbidden in our religion, even if they be small like the ant, so what of man?! The holocaust of the Jews was carried out by your brethren in the middle of Europe, but had it been closer to our countries, most of the Jews would have been saved by taking refuge with us. And my proof for that is in what your brothers, the Spanish, did when they set up the horrible courts of the Inquisition to try Muslims and Jews, when the Jews only found safe shelter by taking refuge in our countries. And that is why the Jewish community in Morocco today is one of the largest communities in the world. They are alive with us and we have not incinerated them, but we are a people who don't sleep under oppression and reject humiliation and disgrace, and we take revenge on the people of tyranny and aggression, and the blood of the Muslims will not be spilled with impunity, and the morrow is nigh for he who awaits."

"Also, your Christian brothers have been living among us for 14 centuries: in Egypt alone, there are millions of Christians whom we have not incinerated and shall not incinerate. But the fact is, there is a continuing and biased campaign being waged against us for a long time now by your politicians and many of your writers by way of your media, especially Hollywood, for the purpose of misrepresenting Islam and its adherents to drive you away from the true religion. The genocide of peoples and their holocausts took place at your hands: only a few specimens of Red Indians were spared, and just a few days ago, the Japanese observed the 62nd anniversary of the annihilation of Hiroshima and Nagasaki by your nuclear weapons."

TJ: Still a fan of the history channel, I see. Let's take a break here and finish up after the break. [Friendly chatter as camera pulls away].

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